Hooker Heels, Hills of Beans and Conspiracy Theories...

I know you just read that title and said to yourself, “W-T-F! She really has lost it now!” ….aaaannnndddd….there’s a distinct possibility you might be right. However, I’ve decided to have some fun in my world so I just really don’t care what you think (I say that with the utmost of love and respect for you). So, don’t waste your time with concerned emails or calls to me, please. :)

You know I love me some shoes! Always have, probably always will. Here I am at age the sweet age of four, sleeping with a new pair of cowboy boots. My mom says this was common practice for me after the acquisition of a new pair of shoes and after a couple instances of trying to persuade me to at least leave them on the nightstand, she gave up and decided if I hurt myself sleeping with shoes then it was on me.

I still own and love my cowboy boots (even in my blog pic I’m wearing them), but as I have grown and matured (this point could be debatable, but that’s another blog post entirely) I’ve come to love my dress heels I fondly refer to as my “hooker heels.” Not really because they are the “hooker” style (don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean), but just very tall. Well, OK, I admit some of them are pretty funky, but I refuse to own shoes with no personality. When you are 5’2” and the slacks you purchase in the “petite” section of the store are still too long, it’s comes down to the fact that heels are more fun to spend money on than alterations for slacks that should have been SHORT to begin with.

So, I bet you are still wondering where the “hill of beans” fit into all this? Yeah, I knew it. Don’t get your knickers in a twist, I’ll get there.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend (who shall remain nameless in effort to protect their secret identity) that actually resulted in texting a picture of the heels you see here with the caption “These,” to which my friend responded “These? That’s a weird brand name…” and of course I shot back, “I could tell you the brand name but I’m sure it wouldn’t make a hill of beans to you.” And from the there the conversation turned from whether or not I had actually laid eyes on a “hill of beans” but that said “hill” actually did exist and my friend had viewed the rather large “hill” but was not at liberty speak of it due to the fact that it was part of a secret government program along with the “whole ball of wax.”

When I expressed my concern in continuing on in this exchange of secret information lest I find myself in the possession of secret agents ready to take me away, my friend calmly informed me not to worry, all I would have to do is sample some Kool-Aid and tell them which flavor I liked the best. But since I don’t partake in the ingestion of chemically produced, highly sugared substances I chose to end the conversation.

Oh, by the way, did you know Starbucks is run by the CIA?

(Don’t worry, you’ll find the black cherry flavor isn’t so bad after all!)

"The Heart of Life"

When you’ve labored thru the dark stormy rains, “the valley of the shadow of death” that has left you a bloody, battered, exhausted mess, you can get used to existing that way. At least I know I did. But there comes a time when you start to look up, catch a glimpse of a small piece of blue sky you latch onto and watch for again as the black storm clouds keep rolling high above. You begin to see little pieces of the puzzle of your life begin to make sense again, and that little tiny seed of hope that you’ve been desperately clutching when it just didn’t make any sense might actually be starting to grow and bloom in your world.

Looking back, even now, I can see how some of the most painful of days, when the tears flowed and I yelled at God (and believe me I did, I figure He’s God he can handle a little tantrum!) over “life,” had their purpose of pushing me to the spot where God knew I needed to be. I am sure as days and years continue on things will make even more sense and He can use what I have been thru to His benefit somehow.

Things will never be perfect. As John Mayer sings, “pain throws your heart to the ground.” But the darkness and pain never last a lifetime and every day that I wake up I see another piece of electric blue sky and the warm sun that falls on my face as I look up. Life is good! Still so much joy! I think I will always be the eternal optimist, just can’t help it. Though I might lose sight of it momentarily I know it will come around again. I’ve learned that in the face of it all there are small joys in unexpected places that pull you thru at just the right moment when the thought of giving up is all consuming.

I’m so grateful for so many things. People, music, friendships, prayer, God…all of them saved me in a time I know I was surely drowning. I mentioned this particular John Mayer song earlier, but I hadn’t heard it in ages until I had the 'ole iPod on “shuffle” today, and it just stuck on repeat all morning. I have a funny habit of doing stuff like that. Like he says, it may not all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good. It could not be more true. Enjoy every day you can for you are not promised another. Live life for you, for on your last day here you will not regret it. If you live trying not to offend everyone else, you will only end up offending yourself. Let go of what is behind, after all you cannot write the next chapter of your life if you are too busy re-reading the last one.

My love to all of you who might read these silly ramblings of strange girl with the unexplainable smile. My wish is for you to “play hooky” on a beautiful sunny spring day, find a grassy field to plant a blanket on, be still and soak up the goodness of life and know that you and your life, they matter. MAKE THE MOST OF IT! You are worth it!

Dear Dove Chocolate: Letters from a Lunatic, Vol V

Share a Secret

Dear Dove, I’m sure you meant well with this suggestion, but in my experience I have found that this is just not good advice. Dangerous really. Especially when secrets are “accidentally” shared, if you will. You don’t have time to hear my life story, but I assure, sharing secrets comes with a price. So, If it’s all the same to you, I’ll pass on this one…as always, you’re the best! With much hesitation, Sarah

Share a Sunset
Dear Dove, are you also sending a man with whom I can share said sunset or are you proposing I share it with my chocolate hearts? I’d prefer the former, could you get to work on this please?

Sleep Under the Stars
Dear Dove, You do realize this if winter, right? Hey, I know what you’re trying to do here, you’re tired of my letters and you want me to freeze to death, don’t you. That’s not a loving “valentine-y” thing to say at all! I’m beginning to think you don’t love me. Sarah

Watch the sun come up
Dear Dove, After your previous suggestions of “sharing the sunset” and “sleeping under the stars” last night , I’m not sure I’ll make it for the sunrise after I hit my snooze button the self-imposed 5 times before actually getting up. And are you providing coffee AND chocolate for this, because I will need both? That’s all I need to know. I will await your answer before attempting these last three . Sincerely, Sarah

Be a little mysterious
Dear Dove, What exactly do you mean here? Are you implying that mysterious is good? Because this could mean so many things. There’s mysterious in a creepy kinda way, like “why won’t that girl quit following me?” Then mysterious in a secretive kinda way “I don’t understand where all my clothes are disappearing to, what’s going on here?” or even mysterious in a dumb sense like “I just don’t get it, doesn’t that girl have any common sense?!” This whole suggestion is a mystery to me. Could you elaborate please? I’m always up for learning new things! Ever the eager, Sarah

Dear Dove Chocolate: Letters from a Lunatic, Vol IV

Linger Over Chocolate Longer
Dear Dove, I don’t know about you…something about this just seems creepy. You’re starting to freak me out a little. Your concerned friend, Sarah

Discover How Much Your Heart Can Hold
Dear Dove, If we’re talking good stuff here I’d say my heart is a bottomless pit. If it’s not good stuff then I’m sorry, my heart is closed for donations. Had my share and let that junk go. Thanks for the suggestion but this one I’ve got covered! Sarah

Do something spontaneous
Dear Dove, do you mean like that one Saturday morning in June when I spontaneously decided to go to my sister’s garage sale. Then saw that red shiny little “toy” for sale and let her husband tell me, “Oh you can drive it, it’s just like a bicycle with a motor.” Then OOPS I spontaneously slammed into that curb, laid the thing over, got horrible road rash, was on crutches for a week and ended up underneath an Expedition and had to pay a $500 deductable for totaling it out? I think spontaneity might be a bit overrated. Just sayin’. Sarah

Remember Your First Crush
Dear Dove, My first crush was in the fourth grade, his name was Kyle and he had the blondest of blonde hair I’d ever seen. I remember he liked me too and even said so after his friends called me over at recess and tackled and tickled him incessantly until he admitted that he did indeed like me. We were MFEO (made for each other) as they say in Sleepless in Seattle… well, until he took first place in the fourth grade spelling bee and I was the runner up. Then it was over. What was the point of this little exercise again? To remind me where my overachieving issues began? Thanks a lot! Sarah

Dear Dove Chocolate: Letters from a Lunatic, Vol III

Hug Someone Today
Dear Dove, I’m a little surprised at you. Don’t you know in this day and age a person can get into real trouble for doing something like this? Haven’t you ever heard of sexual harassment? What if I hugged somebody that didn’t want to be hugged? If I get sued over this one, you’ll be hearing from me…and my attorney. Sarah

Listen with Your Heart
Dear Dove, This is another one I’ve tried that just didn’t work out so well for me. My heart said he was nice, my heart said he was sweet…. So, I let myself get carried away…then my heart got broke. Apparently my heart needs some hearing aids. OK, now I’m gonna need about 10 more chocolate hearts to eat right away to console myself while I have a good cry. Thanks for nothing! Sarah

Exercise Your Heart
Dear Dove, After taking your advice on the following heart and wallowing in my 10 extra pieces, yes unfortunately, now my heart will need extra exercising to work off all the calories you made me eat after throwing me into the depths of despair. I figure I’m now going to have to run at least 5 extra miles just to work that off. UGH. You are not my friend! Sarah

Make Someone Melt Today
Dear Dove, Yeah, I’d sure like to make a few people melt today! Unfortunately, I don’t possess laser beam eyes that would melt them away in seconds. I tried throwing water on them, but they don’t melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, and it’s just too much work to carry around my huge boiling cauldron. I guess I’m just not cut out to be a Villain. Sadly, Sarah

Dear Dove Chocolate: Letters from a Lunatic, Vol. II

Get swept away by love
Dear Dove, I did this once. It didn’t work out so well for me. Perhaps in certain situations it’s best to use one’s head and not the heart. After all, I love your dark chocolate, but if I let myself get swept away by such love I’d weigh 400 pounds. Poorly done, Dove. I’m just not sure how well thought out this one was. You can do better. I’m saying this as your friend. I’m here if you need me. Sarah

The best things in life are chocolate
Dear Dove, Ummm, no. Not even close. I can name several things better than chocolate, but this is a G rated letter so I will refrain. Did you just get lazy with this one? Sarah

Be your own Valentine
Dear Dove, I don’t get it?! Please help, Sarah

Savor Small Romantic Moments
Dear Dove, In your last message you told me to be my own Valentine. I’m just curious, exactly what kind of romantic moments do you think I should savor with myself? Sicko. Sarah

Dear Dove Chocolate: Letters from a Lunatic

Years ago in my first job right out of college I had the great pleasure, and I do mean that as it was the best job I ever had, of reading letters written to the Congressman I worked for.  Most of them were of the boring nature, you know, about bills and such. Some irate, some mean, a few grateful ones here and there.  But what I lived for were those occasional letters we received that you had to question the mental state of the writer.  They were always great fun and if I had the time I would often write a good response to share only with the office staff.  Those were the best fun! 

I miss those days of writing quipey responses to the "crazies."  So, when I got myself a Valentine's bag of Dove dark chocolate hearts I discovered they added little messages inside the wrappers and my wacky writing days came flooding back.  I thought I would share these with you in a series until Valentine's Day.  Without further ado, I give the first installment of "Dear Dove Chocolate..." 

Laugh until your heart overflows
Why thank you Dove for the lovely suggestion but I think I'm going to need more info before I commit to this. Overflows with what exactly? Perhaps I don't want this to happen. After all, I have two kids, I’m not overly fond of cleaning up messes. Could you please provide more details? Great, thanks, you’re a peach! Love your dark chocolate! Sarah

Chocolate. Always your Valentine
Dear Dove, I have a bone to pick with you. How dare you! I’ll have you know that I have NEVER received chocolate (or flowers or PJ’s or anything but a card for that matter) for Valentine’s day. Are you just trying to rub it in? Now I think you’re just a big meanie. Just so you understand how offended I am, I will boycott your dark chocolate for one day….well, ok, that might be a little extreme. I’ll just wait until dinner instead of having my chocolate heart for lunch. Jerks.  Sarah

Go where your heart takes you
Dear Dove, what lovely advice!!! My heart keeps taking me to Hawaii so I guess that’s where I’ll go. Since it was at your suggestion I do this I’ll be expecting my plane ticket in the mail by the end of the week. What do you mean that’s not what you meant? Then what did you mean? Surely you are not suggesting that I foot the bill for such frivolity?! After all it was your prompting that spurred this decision to begin with. OK, then, now that we have that settled when will my ticket be arriving? Sarah