When you’ve labored thru the dark stormy rains, “the valley of the shadow of death” that has left you a bloody, battered, exhausted mess, you can get used to existing that way. At least I know I did. But there comes a time when you start to look up, catch a glimpse of a small piece of blue sky you latch onto and watch for again as the black storm clouds keep rolling high above. You begin to see little pieces of the puzzle of your life begin to make sense again, and that little tiny seed of hope that you’ve been desperately clutching when it just didn’t make any sense might actually be starting to grow and bloom in your world.
Looking back, even now, I can see how some of the most painful of days, when the tears flowed and I yelled at God (and believe me I did, I figure He’s God he can handle a little tantrum!) over “life,” had their purpose of pushing me to the spot where God knew I needed to be. I am sure as days and years continue on things will make even more sense and He can use what I have been thru to His benefit somehow.
Things will never be perfect. As John Mayer sings, “pain throws your heart to the ground.” But the darkness and pain never last a lifetime and every day that I wake up I see another piece of electric blue sky and the warm sun that falls on my face as I look up. Life is good! Still so much joy! I think I will always be the eternal optimist, just can’t help it. Though I might lose sight of it momentarily I know it will come around again. I’ve learned that in the face of it all there are small joys in unexpected places that pull you thru at just the right moment when the thought of giving up is all consuming.
I’m so grateful for so many things. People, music, friendships, prayer, God…all of them saved me in a time I know I was surely drowning. I mentioned this particular John Mayer song earlier, but I hadn’t heard it in ages until I had the 'ole iPod on “shuffle” today, and it just stuck on repeat all morning. I have a funny habit of doing stuff like that. Like he says, it may not all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good. It could not be more true. Enjoy every day you can for you are not promised another. Live life for you, for on your last day here you will not regret it. If you live trying not to offend everyone else, you will only end up offending yourself. Let go of what is behind, after all you cannot write the next chapter of your life if you are too busy re-reading the last one.
My love to all of you who might read these silly ramblings of strange girl with the unexplainable smile. My wish is for you to “play hooky” on a beautiful sunny spring day, find a grassy field to plant a blanket on, be still and soak up the goodness of life and know that you and your life, they matter. MAKE THE MOST OF IT! You are worth it!