Failure. Betrayed. Disgraced. Expendable. Used. Hurt. Afraid. Robbed. Insignificant. Powerless. Fool. Broken. Unworthy. Unlovable.
You name it, I've felt it, especially this last year. If you know my entire story, consider yourself a close friend. If you don't, sorry, maybe one day. :) Life can hurt; really bad sometimes. More than I ever thought I would encounter. It sucks (yes, that is a technical writing term, thank you very much!) when the ways in which you've identified yourself for years, in one instant, are shattered right before your eyes. For me, even good memories are tainted with the skepticism of reality. Was there anything true or genuine? Perhaps I may never know.
It can all do a number on your heart and head, for sure. Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the witch doctor rips out a guy's heart and you see it there beating in his hands? At some point, if you have any feelings at all, life is bound to do just that, rip them right out of you and stomp them to death. Leaving you a shell of what you once were and alone to pick up what's left to try to regroup and move on. We have no other choice, but easier said than done, I'm sure you know.
However, the silver lining is that when life sucks and I've listened to the lies of what my circumstances would have me believe about myself, I can remind myself that I am one of His redeemed. I am the on that He loves, that is enough. I refuse to be a victim. I will not be pitiful. sure, i will have my moments of weakness, of feeling less than what I am. I will fall into those lonely places where I can't see His grace. I WILL screw it up, a lot more than I would like to admit. I will always be a work in progress. But none of this really matters because I am who He says I am; beloved, redeemed, His.
A good friend reminded me recently that despite the fact that life has not gone as I had planned, that this is certainly not where I ever thought i would be, that God still has a plan. I am holding on to that like a fat girl with a KitKat (I can say that because that's what I used to be). We all live in this world, and we all face life in all its imperfections; for the good that it is, the bad that it can be and the potential that it holds. So, hold on to the good, let go of the bad, and let Him fulfill the potential He created in you.
I leave you with this song that I recently heard by Jason Gray. It's been on repeat on my iPod for days now...